Letting Go
Posted on September 8, 2016 by Robert Ringer — Comments (43)
There are thousands of great quotes to be found in books and on the Internet, the best ones being those that have a major impact on your life. These are the quotes that elicit a “Wow!” in your brain — the ones that stick with you forever and help form the foundation for the way you conduct your day-to-day affairs.
The number of quotes that make such an impact vary widely from person to person. In my case, there are about two dozen quotes that have been instrumental in guiding my daily actions, and right up near the top of this treasured list is a pearl by Buddha that I first heard nearly thirty years ago: “All unhappiness is caused by attachment.”
I thought about this quote most recently when I read The Universe in a Single Atom, by the Dalai Lama. It’s a great book, though I don’t recommend it to anyone who likes information to be presented in easily digestible bites.
The Dalai Lama explains that Buddhism sees the major dividing line between sentience (consciousness) and non-sentience as the interest in the alleviation of suffering and the quest for happiness. This phenomenon is tied to the Four Noble Truths that Buddha taught in his initial sermon:
Noble Truth No. 1: There is suffering.
Noble Truth No. 2: Suffering has an origin.
Noble Truth No. 3: The cessation of suffering is possible.
Noble Truth No. 4: There is a path to the cessation of suffering.
I’m no Buddha by a long shot, but nevertheless I’d like to share with you my take on Buddha’s Four Noble Truths, particularly as they relate to his observation that “All unhappiness is caused by attachment.” My main objective here is to act as a catalyst in motivating you to develop your own insights into these fascinating concepts.
The First Noble Truth — that there is suffering in the world — is axiomatic. This includes everything from disease and illness to starvation and war. These are large and obvious issues that I won’t attempt to address in this article, because I don’t have the space to begin to do justice to them.
The kind of suffering I’m going to focus on is mental pain. This is the kind of pain that a person may endure over a perceived injustice, problems with children, job termination, or the end of a romantic relationship, to name but a few.
The Second Noble Truth — that suffering has an origin — is also axiomatic. Simply put, there’s always something or someone that is the cause of a person’s suffering. There’s a reason for an injustice, a reason for your child’s problems, a reason for losing your job, a reason for a bad ending to a romance.
Cause and effect is easily demonstrated in science, but most straight-thinking adults have little doubt that all actions have consequences. Buddha believed that craving is the main culprit when it comes to suffering. Modern man craves so many things that it makes it nearly impossible for him to ever be content.
The Third Noble Truth — that it’s possible to put an end to one’s suffering — is one of the most positive aspects of the Buddhist doctrine. In other words, you should feel relieved to know that you don’t have to suffer. Suffering is not mandated by a higher authority.
The Fourth Noble Truth — that there is a path to the cessation of suffering. To the extent you are successful in analyzing the origin of your suffering, you have an excellent chance of putting an end to it — or at least to ease its effects on you. Buddhists believe that enlightenment — the successful search for truth — is the key to eliminating pain. If so, I would suggest that the best place to start looking for enlightenment is in the mirror:
What did I do (or not do) to put myself in a position whereby an injustice could be inflicted upon me?
What did I do (or not do) to contribute to my children’s problems?
What did I do (or not do) to lose my job?
What did I do (or not do) to contribute to the failure of the romantic relationship that was so important to me?
No matter what someone else did to you, your focus should always be on what you did wrong. Remember that great line from the 1994 film classic The Shawshank Redemption? When a new inmate was proclaiming his innocence to the other prisoners at one of the mess-hall tables, ex-banker Andy Dufresne (Tim Robbins) sarcastically replied, “Oh, didn’t you know? Everyone in here is innocent.”
The point is that if you really want to put an end to your suffering, the first step is to let go of the notion that you’re a victim of circumstances. As with everything in life, there are exceptions — but not many.
What I’m suggesting — and what I have believed ever since I first read Buddha’s words about all unhappiness being caused by attachment — is that letting go is often the path to the cessation of suffering. I find that the more detached I am, the more objective I can be. And the more objective I am, the more enlightened I become.
When people think of attachment, they usually think of material possessions. And, indeed, attachment to the material world can cause great suffering. But there are subtle kinds of attachments that can cause suffering as well.
For example, some people suffer from not being able to let go of a single mistake. This is common in sports, where fans and sportswriters can often be cruel. Baseball aficionados remember the infamous home-run pitch thrown by Angels hurler Donnie Moore in the fifth game of the 1986 playoffs against the Red Sox. The Angels, up three games to one, were just one out away from going to their first World Series.
Instead, Dave Henderson hit a home run to keep Boston in the game, and the Angels went on to lose both the game and the series. In the ensuing years, fans booed Donnie Moore everywhere he went. In 1989, after years of depression, he committed suicide. Donnie Moore apparently had a history of troubles, but it seems clear that his attachment to that one moment helped push him over the edge.
What I’m getting at here is the importance of detachment from outcomes. It’s one of those things that is easy to say, but extremely difficult to do. Even the most stoic people cannot completely detach themselves from outcomes 100 percent of the time.
Hugh Downs put it well in an interview with me several years ago when he explained that it’s possible to drop the burden of concern about things over which we have no control. In fact, he firmly believes this to be the key to letting go of hatred.
There is no conflict here with the Fourth Noble Truth (that there is a path to the cessation of suffering). When you accept the things you cannot change (such as the death of a loved one or a failed business) — when you let go — only then can there be an end to your suffering.
This is crucial, because only when you put an end to your suffering are you in a position to move on. The moving on may involve finances, love, friendship, sports, or myriad other things. But regardless of what the issue is, you cannot move on to happiness and success so long as you remain attached to whatever it is that is causing you unhappiness.
I would encourage you to think about this all-important principle every day of your life, especially when you’re upset about something. It has consistently brought me seemingly miraculous results, and there is no reason to believe that it cannot do the same for you if you make a serious effort to integrate it into your thinking.
Personally, I find this to be right on (as usual), Robert. I do not always practice it well, but I am a big believer in the concept of detachment. Many books encourage this way of thinking and being: the Tao, the Teachings of Buddha, Marcus Aurelius's Meditations. Recently I read a book that I have been recommending to everyone, The Obstacle is the Way, by Ryan Holiday. I strongly recommend another book, Thick Face, Black Heart. The title, a translation from Chinese, is a bit harsh-sounding, but I have found it to be a great guidebook for the practice of detachment.
It is not always easy to implement detachment in real life, but trying to do so is a lot better than allowing yourself to be swept away by the tide of events without making the effort to swim to shore.
Sounds like a wonderful way to peace! Definitely passing this one on!
Thank you Robert. You continue to be a terrific example of the gift that keeps on giving. Thank you for putting in the study time and the work effort required to master the science and art of effective communication. Your body of work, starting with "Looking Out for Number One," is and will endure as a testament to your application of your well-earned skill to helping others avoid, mitigate, and undo the mostly self-inflicted causes of suffering.
I start by finding my 1%. It's always there…somewhere.
This permits bypassing my ego sufficiently such that I can see some of the rest of my part. It's iften much higher, occasional near or 100%. Blame doesn't help but taking personal responsibility provides freedom.
Unfortunately, I didn't become comfortable with being wrong until I was about 40. What a burden lifted!
I appreciate how difficult an article such as this is to write. Thank you for this helpful treasure of truth.
PS. Jesus had some excellent things to say about truth as well.
Great article Robert! Much more valuable than any political diatribe. I highly recommend all to read "The Book of Mirdad" by Mikhail Naimy. This book is very profound and presents via allegorical tale the path to ultimate Understanding. So beautifully told!!
Mihhail was a very close friend of Kahlil Gibran. Together they founded the New York Pen League.
Gary
Terrific article! Thank you! I look forward to receiving your articles and appreciate your writing them!
Wow! Perfect timing. Thank you.
If you have not already found him, you have a fellow disciple of this understanding in Fr. Richard Rohr, OFM in New Mexico. We are not taught how to detach or let go and it is a crippling cultural void in our western persona. The ego craves the "more" in our culture and true wisdom is always found by "unlearning" more than the acquisition of more information. For our contemporary data-rich environment, this is an alarming shock to the system. The division of labor is quite simple actually; I do the work and leave the results up to God.
I understand completely what you say here. I, too, do the work and leave the results to God.
Free will to think, say or do is unquestionable. But with every thought, speech and deed is an inevitable end-result, a consequence. The consequence may be what we wish … or other than what we wish! The consequence cannot be the result of free will.
This is the gyst of the famous sloka in Bhagavad Gita ' Karmanyevadhikaste": 'You perform your role with
involvement and commitment towards what you 'will' to achieve, but leave the results unto Me'.
This is great Ringer advice, once again revealing your spiritual side, which I always love to see. I have several resentments over past debacles in my life, and I would love to release them. I will meditate on it.
Dear Sir, thankyou for all that you do! I have all your books and reread sections everyday (especially your first book…businessman Mr Dan Pena says it is a must read!
Robert – As usual, your advise is spot on, although letting go does not always come easily. I have found that THE SEDONA METHOD is a very useful technique in learning how to let go.
I too found the Sedona Method to be very instrumental in letting things go, not reacting and not wanting. Not wanting has been a key to allowing happiness in my life. Lester Levinson gives a very good audio lecture about achieving happiness through letting go and not wanting.
Be careful of the Sedona Method. It may not be as it represents itself. It could be a trap.
Thank you, Robert, for a great article. While it is so seemingly simple and logical we need regular reminders to look at ourselves first. I had the most distinct and fortunate experience years ago to attend a seminar series by Bob Proctor. It started a process of growth and change in my life that continues to this day. I know I'm butchering it, but a phrase he often stated was, in effect, "the way out, is in".
I would think that a course on this may be somewhat more beneficial to high school students than gender identity. Thanks again.
For many of us depressed by today's shallow leadership and citizenry, I hope to follow and work damn hard to live by the following sentiment:
*********It is easy to hate and it is difficult to love. This is how the
whole scheme of things works. All good things are difficult to achieve;
and bad things are very easy to get. ********Confucius
Classic Ringer!!
There is one paragraph that sticks in my craw:
"In the ensuing years, fans booed Donnie Moore everywhere he went. In 1989, after years of depression, he committed suicide. Donnie Moore apparently had a history of troubles, but it seems clear that his attachment to that one moment helped push him over the edge."
It wasn't simply his attachment to the moment, RR. It helped that the so-called "fans" kept reminding him of it. Bullies can be very unforgiving when it comes to their victims, whether it is in sports or in schoolyards. Is the responsibility on Donnie Moore for killing himself? Not entirely, in my view.
I was highly gifted as a child, and had the opportunity to be enrolled in a special school for musically gifted children. But when you are a child, you have no control. My parents sent me to public school instead, where I was insulted, bullied and tormented by classmates and it got really bad in middle school. No, I did not do anything to my classmates to deserve it. And no, I am not claiming to be the only victim here, but there were friends who could not believe my parents kept sending me back to class to beaten up on a daily basis. It did not cause me to commit suicide, but it did result in my running away from home and getting into trouble as a teen. In many ways my life did not turn out as it should have. People carry scars, and sometimes they don't heal and they carry over into future relationships, both personal and professional. In the case of Donnie Moore, he could not cope with his lingering pain and desperately needed psychological counseling.
Bullying goes way beyond teasing, and is a crime. It is tragic that the bullies go nameless and are not punished. In most cases they are middle school kids who gang up and enjoy inflicting cruelty on others who are different. And because they are minors, their photos and names are not released. In some cases, the victim of relentless bullying commits suicide. Here is a case that haunts me still, today:
http://www.nytimes.com/2003/09/27/nyregion/case-t…
Daniel Scruggs was forced by his classmates to eat his lunch off the floor and school officials did nothing, nor did him mom. I'd like to know where his bullies are now. Probably in college preparing to be doctors, lawyers and (of course) politicians.
Yes, bullying is a problem, a big problem; however, the issues kids currently face in public schools are much worse than when we were enrolled in government brainwashing. Chewing gum, talking in class, kissing your boyfriend/girlfriend, smoking a cigarette, an occasional fistfight and some mild bullying was about as bad as it got in the upstate New York high school I attended. NYC was different, worse, especially in Brooklyn, but the worse thing I remember happening in upstate was a teen pregnancy that was quickly hushed up. We used to bring our deer hunting rifles to school. Really, it was a different world.
Everything has gotten so much worse: drugs, sex, rap, violence, etc. I wish bullying was the worst issue, but it's not. And the advice Robert Ringer gives on coping with life is sound, but, at times, somewhat dated. I required both of my boys to become martial artists. One became so good that he could have gone pro…. A fighting skill pretty much solves the bullying problem, even for girls. Now, I know there is also other ways to cope with bullying. Robert Ringer advocates Buda, and that's fine. When I lived in Brooklyn, I noticed the Jehovah's Witnesses had a viable, non-violent strategy. So, yeah, bullying is a problem and it's really a shame that certain talented kids don't get the training on how to deal with life……
Buda* Buddha
Agreed about bullying being an issue. Also I don't want to downplay the negative effects of drug abuse, underage drinking, or premature sex, but have never heard of a case of these leading to suicide. Bullying, a form of aggression, has been shown to do this and lead to other long-lasting negative effects. Would very much appreciate advice on how to deal with this issue.
"Would very much appreciate advice on how to deal with this issue."
The first step I would take is putting my child in the best school that I could afford. That might mean relocation. It's what my spouse and I did. In fact, we relocated to a place where it was like getting into a time machine and traveling back to the 1950s. We did this for the health and safety of our family. We took a BIG hit in our income, but had been planning ( and saving for years) so we were prepared.
What if you can't move? What if you can't afford a private school? Personally, and this is just me, I would take advantage of the work that Ron Paul and others are doing to help people successfully home school their children. If that's not an option, then I would do whatever it takes to protect my child. This means going to school and confronting the school principal and demanding a safe learning environment. This might mean going to court. I knew a Jehovah's Witnesses who sued the living daylights out of the school because she tried every non-violent and non-confrontational approach to resolve problems. As a pacifist, her child couldn't hit back or respond with the necessary aggression to get by in a violent public school. But what could be done was appeal to those in authority. When that didn't work, well, it was time to go to trial. And believe me, the Jehovah's Witnesses have probably been to the Supreme Court more times than any other religious group. They may be pacifist, but not in a court of law.
So that's my advice, do what you have to do— even if that means getting legal muscle.
Thank you for your comments here, Reality Seeker. We've exchanged not-too-dissimilar comments before on RJR's posts. And those posts are always thought-provoking. This is as much as anything a response to your remarks in respect of Jehovah's Witnesses being pacifists as it is in response to Robert's latest post.
Jehovah's Witnesses appear to many to be pacifists. As defined in Webster’s Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary, a pacifist is someone who is “strongly and actively opposed to conflict and esp. war.” It defines "pacifism" as “opposition to war or violence as a means of settling disputes; specif[ically]: refusal to bear arms on moral or religious grounds.” In the same manner as Christians of Bible times and up till about 200 CE (AD), no Christian would involve himself in wars. Sadly, apostasy set in and in time Christianity became an instrument of forced conversions and empire-building. But strictly speaking, Jehovah's Witnesses are not pacifists. Why not?
Well, the Bible speaks of a change coming. Before that it also refer to the well-known term "Armageddon". Concerning that a 1998 "Awake" magazine said this: "The last book of the Bible describes this conflict as 'the war of the great day of God the Almighty,' or Armageddon. (Revelation 16:14, 16) It says that Jesus Christ will take the lead in this, that he 'carries on war in righteousness.' (Revelation 19:11, 14, 15) Jesus Christ is rightly called the 'Prince of Peace.' (Isaiah 9:6) But he is not a pacifist. He has already fought a war in heaven to clear it of all God’s rebellious enemies. (Revelation 12:7-9) Soon he will fight another war 'to bring to ruin those ruining the earth.' However, his followers on earth will take no part in that divine judgement.—Revelation 11:17, 18.
"True Christians love peace. They stay completely neutral in the world’s military, political, and ethnic conflicts. But, strictly speaking, they are not pacifists. Why? Because they welcome God’s war that will finally enforce his will on earth—a war that will settle the great issue of universal sovereignty and rid the earth of all enemies of peace once and for all.—Jeremiah 25:31-33; Daniel 2:44; Matthew 6:9, 10."
Thanks again for your comments and your well-disposed thoughts toward us.
No offense, but the term "pacifism" can also be loosely defined as apposed to strictly defined. I agree with you completely that JWs are not strictly pacifists, because they can use violence under some circumstances; however, as you so adroitly pointed out they are conscientious objectors. And they prefer to not "live by the sword". A policeman, for example, cannot be one of Jehovah's Witnesses because his job involves violence. This and many other examples characterize JWs as passive, non-violent people. I agree with you that you're not pure pacifists, because of some of your beliefs, e.g., a woman can fight back against a rapist. So you so have exceptions to strict passivism. Thank you for pointing that out.
Passivism is a lot like vegetarianism, there's latitude in the definition. No offense meant. I used to live next door to the World Headquarters of JW in Brooklyn. I lived on the top floor of the Long Island Historical Society where my grandfather was the head librarian and museum curator. As you can imagine, I had a great deal of exposure to the JWs. I was very impressed with their legal department and the many cases that reached the Supreme Court.
I hope the JWs are right about divine intervention, because it looks like humankind might just extinct itself without God stepping in.
Thanks again for your remarks. I remember them from a previous post – you've always spoken graciously.
On Armageddon: yes, we have a saying here that a person 'doesn't have to be a Rhodes Scholar to see that…' the world is in trouble. It really is unravelling. We don't get involved in politics from a Biblical perspective. Apart from that, the posts here demonstrate that world leaders aren't doing anything for people to cling to or even hope for. We long for a better world and truly believe the Bible's promises offer the only hope for mankind.
Thanks again for your comments and best regards.
You are prophetic on this. I am from Brooklyn. Born and raised, and I attended the public schools there in the 60's and early '70s. It was in those schools that I was subjected to the worst bullying that brought me to tears every day. The teachers were afraid of the bullies. You are right Reality Seeker, to believe in training your kids for martial arts, and having them learn self defense skills giving them a fighting chance against gangs of all sorts. Unfortunately, that was not even brought up as an option for me, although it would not have mattered. I was unable to get involved in that. I had developed a crippled spine, and was physically weak and wore a brace. That was one of the reasons I was targeted. Thanks for an excellent and thoughtful response.
I was teased unmercifully from the time I entered school. That, coupled with emotional abuse at home, made growing up sheer heqq. I could have reacted in many different ways. I reacted by learning compassion. I am thankful for this lesson. But these things are destructive, and it is rare for schools to be able to put a stop to bullying. Instead, they develop rules that, when applied, result in even more injustice in most cases.
Of course, all of these previous replies above suggest the obvious – Government schools are a TOTAL failure and the cause of many societal and personal problems, bullying being one of the biggest that can cause lifelong scars, or worse, shorten a life.
True, though for what it is worth I was bullied unmercifully at a Catholic school. So, it can happen anywhere. Between that and running away from a horny priest or two, it was a pretty miserable experience with which I coped poorly. Thankfully I learned hard lessons early in life, though, and that has paid off. Ironically, my child did very well at a (different) Catholic school. Few things are 100% one way or the other. Except that Hillary Clinton must not win in November.
I just found this. This teen shot himself in the head after relentless bullying:
http://www.nbcconnecticut.com/news/local/Greenwic…
Stealing a pencil is nothing. I would like to know who was hitting him. They won't be punished.
Robert,
Your points re the 4th Noble Truth: Look in the mirror, take responsibility for your situation, your actions, your self; don't be a victim.
… in other words, Enlightened Lives Matter
I was talking with someone about letting go of attachment and the Buddha earlier today. Synchronicity. I'm letting go of old habits, thoughts and beliefs that no longer serve me. I suppose I'll always have to re'evaluate since I don't think I could go through life with no beliefs or thoughts (I'm kidding a bit). Some day it would be amazing to be so oepn and enlightened that I just accept and be in the moment at all moments and be fully present.
Man being essentially hedonistic, remains in a pleasure seeking continuum. But, it is all so temporary. To detach from pleasures one needs to find the JOY of living…one's purpose or enlightenment.
I've found that most of my personal moments of JOY come when I am fully absorbed in either work or relations with other people. Joy, as James Joyce put it, is the opposite of desire – it's a state where there is no want for anything else. I've tried Buddhist/Vipassana meditation and did not meet this there. I *have* found it when I'm fully involved in work, like in a state of flow, and also when with friends. I've found it fleeting in other situations, and I bet the same is true for other readers of this – would be curious to hear.
I also believe this is the reason why people who are already mega-successful (like RR) continue to produce new work after they no longer have to, it brings them into a state of joy.
Scott, I agree wholeheartedly with everything you are saying about joy. That state is like being in a flow (Dr. Martin Seligman talks about this in "Flourish" and his many other Positive Psychology books). It's where time seems to stop because you get so involved in your activities. Doing becomes a sense of being – it is who you are. If you love your work, or are involved in a hobby that you enjoy, time stops. I feel like that when I am at my piano playing Mozart. Suddenly, I look at the clock and three hours fly by.
I also believe in sharing what brings you joy with others, because it is infectious. My neighbors hear me playing the sonatas. I also play classical music often and have amassed quite a CD collection. Living in a row house is not the best situation, because walls are thin. However, it's great to have my neighbor knock on my door and tell me how much she appreciates hearing the Haydn symphonies through the walls! When you bring what you love to all your interactions, you can open doors for others by creating new awareness for them, and they grow as well.
It is what is referred to as being "In the Flow" or "In the Zone" (for athletes). That is one of the keys to living a happy life – find something you love and spend as much time as you can doing it, regardless of remuneration or inconvenience, disapproval of others, etc. I cannot claim to be any kind of master at this, but I truly understand it when I experience it, as both you and Scott have commented.
P.S. Btw, as a Red Sox fan living in LA at the time, I attended that fateful game in the '86 playoffs, and was elated with the Henderson HR and the final results of the series, but was very sorry to later learn how Donnie Moore was so haunted by that event that it led to him taking his life. Fans are often cruel, most display horrid sportsmanship, and they fail to understand that a game is a game, and a lot more important things occur in life.
I'm having an almost impossible time trying to wrap my brain around this one, Robert. If attachment is the cause of suffering, don't fall in love, don't get married, don't have children. The human race will cease to exist. Buddhism encourages a lot of people to become unattached from everything, including doing what you must do just to earn your food. Other people are expected to feed you while you sit there contemplating your navel, or thinking of nothing at all. (And isn't that the essence of socialism? Other people provide for those who would not engage in productive work?)
And isn't the human being built for relationships with others? And if you become unattached, how can you build any relationships at all?
Sure, don't beat yourself for your past mistakes. They're over and done with. Let them go. But I really think the detaching you're talking about is not universal, but limited to those things you deem it unhealthy to remain attached to. Am I right?
There is nothing noble about suffering. Suffering is a fact of life. You can suffer nobly, but suffering in and of itself is anti-life. As a libertarian who supports capitalism, as I assume you are, wouldn't you say that alleviating suffering is a worthy endeavor, and on that is built all kinds of trade and free market activity? And isn't it the alleviation of suffering that is noble, rather than the other way around?
And on another item, how is it that you are proposing that you can find the answer within yourself? Why do people go searching for answers where they have already failed to find it? Isn't insanity doing the same thing over and over expecting different results? I have known people who kept looking at the same failed religious ideas, just in different dress, looking within themselves, and finding no answer. And how can a totally self-centered person be anything but a narcissist, and how desirable is that anyway? We have a perfect example in the people's house in Washington. Not a pretty picture, seems to me.
I'm just getting started, but hopefully these are a few points to ponder.
Robert Ringer was at his best when he included Ayn Rand into his philosophical and economic ideas. If only the entire world listened to Robert Ringer and Ayn Rand. The world is doomed to learn the hard way.
Thanks Mr. Ringer!
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